 Br. MikeO'Grady, S.J., Prisoner of Conscience |
School of the Americas |
Letter from Mike O'Grady to his Jesuit Community
December 10, 2003
Dear Brothers in Christ
Thank you so much for remembering me to Our Lord and to our mutual friends and family members. I have received Joe's nice letters and it is so good to be able to check-in through our correspondence. Please consider this my long-distance attempt…in lieu of our Tuesday communions.
I am in good physical health. The diet here is beyond bad and we're fed with fats and sugars. Junk disguised as food. As Advent progresses, I fast with two light meals daily—no snacks or coffee. I am mindful of the need to sustain my physical strength and energy and so I fast in a conscientious and sustainable manner. My vegetarian disposition is not adaptable to the food served here so I eat some of the meat to survive. I am in a cell block 24 hrs a day without any opportunity for outside exercise. They don't do that down here. The lack of healthy food and exercise weigh on me and I know it is affecting my moods.
I am sleeping/napping a lot (along with many others). I think this is a reaction to the stressfulness of this physical environment. Many are depressed, agitated, angry, shut down. There is a television going full blast 20-21 hours a day. The sound suffuses the entire cell block. Inmates fight for control of programs and so often we get jumbled snippets of violent movies, violent videos, violent cartoons, violent sports. Friends who've been here locked up for months say you never get used to it. I believe them. It's like we're kept in a constant state of agitation. Guards come in & out all times of the day. (B'fast is at 3AM!) The whole environment is fluorescent lit 24 hrs/day. Lights go a little dimmer from 11p-2:30 A or so but the environment is numbingly lit. This causes difficulty going to sleep. With no clocks or watches it is difficult to tell time except in a broad way.
Tempers are short here and fights break out often. I've been able to move into a section of the cell block where 8 of us reside. I was invited in on my second day here and am eternally grateful to be immediately surrounded by a small group of men who aren't fighters or thugs but are trying to do their time quietly and learn a bit about the Scriptures from each other.
I was separated from Ben and Gary early on and the separation made me scared and lonely. The cell block is always cold and drafty and we're given no socks, no underwear. We wear plastic sandals & canvas pants and short sleeve pullover shirts. We're given a blanket and it must suffice to keep us warm. Most times it does. The absolute lack of privacy is very difficult to adjust to, esp. noise, ambient conversations and television noise is impossible to avoid, making reading, writing & praying a great challenge. Importantly—importantly—I am adjusting and adapting. This stuff would be overwhelming if I tried to control it or God Forbid, get angry or resentful. These are all lessons I need to learn about the lived experience of our friends at the margins.
I've been reading voraciously to keep my mind and thought focused. Without books I would be going insane. The reading is mostly pop fiction. I never would have thought I'd be so grateful for a John Grisham or Dean Koontz novel.
My inmate requests for a Bible & to put people on a visiting list all remain unanswered after multiple forms. I don't know what to make of this, but I do know that it is a very common for the guards to act arbitrarily and meanly towards the inmates. The stories are sobering. I'm friends here with a fellow who cannot get info on his case. Another guy above me cannot make any connections with a lawyer so he's simply warehoused here until someone outside decides his fate.
Some of the guards here seem to enjoy acting vicious & mean. Many times I want to say “We are not animals nor children—treat us with respect and dignity.” I hold my tongue—these guards are excellent teachers about how to not treat people. There are also some guards who are courteous and professional in this context. They're the small minority. I pray for all these guys, mean and nice.
Most of the fellows in here are black guys waiting to be moved to state prison. Some are unable to bond out prior to trial. When I explain my rationale for staying in, they convey respect and gratitude that I'd be willing remain with them, to see them as human, to learn from their stories. We also have a mix of locked up junkies—forced into detox by virtue of incarceration—not a pretty sight. There are old guys and some very young men (17-18). People around here call me “Mr. O'Grady” so I must convey some age maturity.
I expected some pretty trying circumstance in preparation for this witness. My expectations have been met and a few unexpected things have only added grist for my prayer.
I've been greatly sustained by letters so can I please ask you (out of my need) to continue to write and ask others to write if they can.
What is coming clear as these days progress is that this SOA witness action is also giving me a deep, grace-filled perspective on our culture's outsiders. Being “inside” like this is so far beyond anything I'd understood before about jail and the criminal justice system. I feel like I am in privileged space, sharing in a small, attenuated way the same burdens that our brothers carry. The word comes to mind—solidarity. I am learning a little bit more what it means, and I'm thankful for your support as I've explored this part of our ministry in the black community.
I close in thanksgiving, gratitude & love for our common fellowship together.
Your brother,
Mike
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