I have heard many AA leads, and those that go on and on about
the drinking are sometimes called "Drunkalogs". I suppose, following
that theory, that if I go on and on about "what he did to me"
that would be called a Whine-alog!
This is my story, and I am the person responsible for what happened before
the program. My Higher Power, sponser, and friends can take some
responsibility for how it is today! Mainly, it is how I used what I learned
that makes me the person I am today.
If you expect to read a lot of blame throwing, time to hit the back button
on your browser. That is not where I am today. That is not to say that
I wasn't there, once.
I was born 3rd in a family of 6. My sister died at the age of 18 months
when my mother was pregnant with me. My dad came from a long line of drinkers,
and carried on that way of life. Mom didn't understand, but tried to accept
the drinking as best she knew how.
My parents were as loving and supportive as best they could be. I know
today that they did the best they could, with the tools that they had.
I grew up kind of in the country. Land to play on, lots of brothers and sisters, not to mention cousins and foster sisters. There was always some one to play with or argue with. Weekends were busy, and as I got older I began to notice that they were mainly spent with my fathers family, and drinking was always involved. I remember lots of arguments among my dads families when they came over, or when we visited them. There were 2 sisters, and 3 brothers, not including my dad. All of them drank, and most of their spouses drank.
Funny thing, when one of them decided to "go on the wagon"
the rest would drive the one that was sober crazy, trying to get them to
drink again! And, it always worked.
I can remember screaming at my uncle, when I was about 12. My dad had "gone
on the wagon" and Uncle Rabbit came over with moonshine. of course,
dad finally drank again. I asked my uncle something about him being his
brothers keeper. That went over real well!
I had decided all on my own to be the caretaker of the family. If someone
was ill, I was right there, Miss Florence Nightingale, making them better.
Personal problems, of course I could fix some one else's! I did what I
was told, and became "responsible" in my family. Helped cook,
clean, take care of siblings. I began to believe that if I could only be
good enough, everything would be ok.
No one ever told me I needed to do this, it was just something I did. I
was the good girl, the smart one. I also was the one who told people that
I was adopted, and used to secretly wonder how on earth I ever ended up
in that family!
I became promiscuous at an early age. Somehow I got sex and love confused. I had a need to be held and loved, and sex worked for me. I was also always drawn to the underdog, maybe because I figured I could fix them! Or else, I thought I was better than them, and since they were soooo lucky to have me, they would never leave, and always be grateful to me, Saint Brenda.
At the age of 16 I got pregnant, and had to tell my parents. I remember
telling them that I had to get married. No discussion was held of adoption,
or keeping the baby without getting married. I got married to a 19 year
old, who was about as ready to get married as I was.
He didn't want to be married, and neither did I. The baby died of SIDS
at 5 months, and the marriage soon after. My parents had told
me that I had made my bed and that now I had to lay in it. I didn't know
at the time that was just words. But that is how our alcoholic family was..
We never really talk about what is going on. We used blame and shame, and
"what will the neighbors think" mindset. We never talked about
the drinking, or the verbal abuse. We hid the problem, and hid from the
problem.
After casting my net out for a couple of years, and dating some active alcoholics and some real sick people, I married a man that I was absolutely crazy about. I was 21, he was 19. Off we went to the service, he to join, me to keep the home fires burning at the base he would be stationed at. I was ecstatic! He had voluntarily promised me that he would never drink, and for a long time, he kept that promise.. We both smoked dope, but I didn't figure that was a problem. We partied together, and with friends. He became my life, and my job (I felt) was to be the person he wanted me to be. Now, he never asked me to change, I "read his mind" and changed for him.
Life went on until I became pregnant with the first child. Then I was
party girl no more, and, what's more, expected him to give up smoking dope
as well! I became earth mom, and he became unhappy. I became the be all,
know all wife and mother. Looking back at it, I must have drove him crazy!
Gradually he started drinking along with smoking. I felt betrayed, and
threw it up in his face every chance I got about his promise. I was insecure,
jealous, and not honest with him or myself.
The government sent us overseas, where I became pregnant when my oldest
was 11 months old. I really felt trapped. I didn't want to be pregnant,
either. The arguing had escalated, as had the drinking. I was the "pure"
one, the one who didn't do that stuff. Must have been real hard to live
with a saint.
I also became violent towards my children, yelling, screaming, hitting.
Not a pretty picture, but that is what it was like. I remember throwing
a full plate of food at my husband as he was going out the door,
not to drink, mind you, but to church! I felt he was a hypocrite,
and that I was one too. I wanted people to feel sorry for me, to say what
a brave woman I was. I was pretty sick. I was a martyr. If you look real
close, you can see the holes in my hands!
Off we went to another country, and that is when my sickness really
kicked in. I went from bad to worse, blaming all my problems on those around
me. I eventually ended up leaving my husband and children, and became involved
in another alcoholics life. I was a victim of the "if onlies".
If only HE wouldn't drink, if only the kids would mind, if only my boss
would give me a raise, and on and on.
I scared my parents, who ended up sending out a red cross notice to find
me. For I had stayed in country while my husband and children went back
to the states. I was having a good time without what I thought were my
"problems". Little was I to know what would happen next.