I have heard many AA leads, and those that go on and on about the
drinking are sometimes called "Drunkalogs". I suppose, following that
theory, that if I go on and on about "what he did to me" that
would be called a Whine-alog!
This is my story, and I am the person responsible for what happened before the
program. My Higher Power, sponser, and friends can take some
responsibility for how it is today! Mainly, it is how I used what I learned that
makes me the person I am today.
If you expect to read a lot of blame throwing, time to hit the back button on
your browser. That is not where I am today. That is not to say that I wasn't
there, once.
I was born 3rd in a family of 6. My sister died at the age of 18 months when
my mother was pregnant with me. My dad came from a long line of drinkers, and
carried on that way of life. Mom didn't understand, but tried to accept the
drinking as best she knew how.
My parents were as loving and supportive as best they could be. I know today
that they did the best they could, with the tools that they had.
I grew up kind of in the country. Land to play on, lots of brothers and sisters, not to mention cousins and foster sisters. There was always some one to play with or argue with. Weekends were busy, and as I got older I began to notice that they were mainly spent with my fathers family, and drinking was always involved. I remember lots of arguments among my dads families when they came over, or when we visited them. There were 2 sisters, and 3 brothers, not including my dad. All of them drank, and most of their spouses drank.
Funny thing, when one of them decided to "go on the wagon" the
rest would drive the one that was sober crazy, trying to get them to drink
again! And, it always worked.
I can remember screaming at my uncle, when I was about 12. My dad had
"gone on the wagon" and Uncle Rabbit came over with moonshine. of
course, dad finally drank again. I asked my uncle something about him being his
brothers keeper. That went over real well!
I had decided all on my own to be the caretaker of the family. If someone
was ill, I was right there, Miss Florence Nightingale, making them better.
Personal problems, of course I could fix some one else's! I did what I was
told, and became "responsible" in my family. Helped cook, clean, take
care of siblings. I began to believe that if I could only be good enough,
everything would be ok.
No one ever told me I needed to do this, it was just something I did. I was the
good girl, the smart one. I also was the one who told people that I was
adopted, and used to secretly wonder how on earth I ever ended up in that
family!
I became promiscuous at an early age. Somehow I got sex and love confused. I had a need to be held and loved, and sex worked for me. I was also always drawn to the underdog, maybe because I figured I could fix them! Or else, I thought I was better than them, and since they were soooo lucky to have me, they would never leave, and always be grateful to me, Saint Brenda.
At the age of 16 I got pregnant, and had to tell my parents. I remember
telling them that I had to get married. No discussion was held of adoption, or
keeping the baby without getting married. I got married to a 19 year old, who
was about as ready to get married as I was.
He didn't want to be married, and neither did I. The baby died of SIDS at
5 months, and the marriage soon after. My parents had told me that
I had made my bed and that now I had to lay in it. I didn't know at the time
that was just words. But that is how our alcoholic family was.. We never really
talk about what is going on. We used blame and shame, and "what will the
neighbors think" mindset. We never talked about the drinking, or the
verbal abuse. We hid the problem, and hid from the problem.
After casting my net out for a couple of years, and dating some active alcoholics and some real sick people, I married a man that I was absolutely crazy about. I was 21, he was 19. Off we went to the service, he to join, me to keep the home fires burning at the base he would be stationed at. I was ecstatic! He had voluntarily promised me that he would never drink, and for a long time, he kept that promise.. We both smoked dope, but I didn't figure that was a problem. We partied together, and with friends. He became my life, and my job (I felt) was to be the person he wanted me to be. Now, he never asked me to change, I "read his mind" and changed for him.
Life went on until I became pregnant with the first child. Then I was party
girl no more, and, what's more, expected him to give up smoking dope as well! I
became earth mom, and he became unhappy. I became the be all, know all wife and
mother. Looking back at it, I must have drove him crazy!
Gradually he started drinking along with smoking. I felt betrayed, and threw it
up in his face every chance I got about his promise. I was insecure, jealous,
and not honest with him or myself.
The government sent us overseas, where I became pregnant when my oldest was
11 months old. I really felt trapped. I didn't want to be pregnant, either. The
arguing had escalated, as had the drinking. I was the "pure" one, the
one who didn't do that stuff. Must have been real hard to live with a saint.
I also became violent towards my children, yelling, screaming, hitting. Not a
pretty picture, but that is what it was like. I remember throwing a full
plate of food at my husband as he was going out the door, not to drink, mind
you, but to church! I felt he was a hypocrite, and that I was one too. I
wanted people to feel sorry for me, to say what a brave woman I was. I was
pretty sick. I was a martyr. If you look real close, you can see the holes in
my hands!
Off we went to another country, and that is when my sickness really kicked
in. I went from bad to worse, blaming all my problems on those around me. I
eventually ended up leaving my husband and children, and became involved in
another alcoholics life. I was a victim of the "if onlies". If only
HE wouldn't drink, if only the kids would mind, if only my boss would give me a
raise, and on and on.
I scared my parents, who ended up sending out a red cross notice to find me.
For I had stayed in country while my husband and children went back to the
states. I was having a good time without what I thought were my
"problems". Little was I to know what would happen next.