Relationships, communication and change, III

--Jim Challis, Ed.D., Tina Tessina, Ph.D., and John Burik, M.Ed.

This cyberlogue began as discussion about relationships, communication, and change which grew out of topics on the Love Doctor. In addition to discussing some typical problems, we went on to consider how we might make things different. Jim brought two suggestions, and continues with more in this segment.

Jim:

3.) Develop and maintain a public relations campaign....

Tina:

We must "propagandize" people into learning better skills.

Jim:

I note the quotes around the "p" word. I'm using "Marketing." It falls more easily on the ears of folks in an "Economic Democracy".

John:

PR, advertising, marketing, whatever you call it, that's important. I love some of the Mormons' ads. In addition to the visibility of these marketing efforts, I notice a lot more coverage on the news re child abuse.

The only downside with latter, is that the abuse which makes the news may make it easier for someone to remain in denial, i.e.," I don't do that".

Jim:

Yes, the information is getting out there, and I'm somewhat encouraged.

Tina:

But boy, turning that warship is a sloooooow process.

Jim:

Having taken a "Cruise" on the USS Ranger, I will 2nd that.

Jim:

4.) Convince the public and supporters that the program is successful....

Tina:

This is where these programs always fall apart. The educated liberals who come up with them seem to think that everyone will "of course" recognize how wonderful it is. The right-wing fundamentalists know they have to brainwash the flock (sheep) to get them enthused about anything.

Jim:

I think the record is pretty clear that during WWII Hollywood did as good a job as Paul Joseph Goebbels. Now add the power of TV, and, proper organization, and I think we'll have a winner. BTW Tina, I think those extreme groups, although vocal, do not represent the greatest number in our society.

John:

Going back to Tina's ship, we who have some inkling of what may be a better course, may have to begin to steer, knowing that while s-l-o-w, change does occur.

Tina:

What? No comment on the educated liberals and their expectation that everyone understands?

Jim:

I was a little (?) slow getting in on this, but I did comment on that in my last comment.

Tina:

Almost no one recognizes how pervasive the "duhhhh" mantra is. For example, the "there but for the grace of God" attitude toward street beggers and homeless. No, sir!!! They have lots more problems, mental and emotional, and sometimes physiological, than the rest of us. You could set any one of them up in a job, and a house, and even with an income, and zie'd still wind up on the street. However, now that "welfare reform" has been mandated, the truth about this is beginning to come out. I saw a quote somewhere about "yes, you can give them a job -- but first they have to learn how to use an alarm clock" Exactly!!

Jim:

Whereas I agree that there is a considerable number of "duhhhh- heads" out there, I also think that there are lots and lots of "School People" who recognize those numbers -- even though the parents may be in denial. I would build into the plan, as a follow-up to the pre-school physical/mental check-up, the capability for schools to be the next "social filter" -- before employers.

Tina:

Getting those programs coordinated and funded is the key. we need to find a way to make them "trendy". For example, we know that the real cure for violent crime lies in changing child-rearing, and intervention with troubled kids, but congress only wants to do "wars on drugs", and "tough on crime" programs.

Jim:

You are right. We need to find a way to do both -- and in the correct proportions of $$$, people, and time.

John:

The "war" metaphor sells, doesn't it?

Tina:

It's sexy to the power elite and the deluded public.

Jim:

And don't forget the "Sports" area, and that literary genre.

John:

All in all, I'm hopeful. I see things like the end of the Soviet Union, the fall of the Berlin Wall, the end of apartheid in S. Africa -- things I never imagined in the height of my romantic idealism of the 60s/70s.

Tina:

I like to think I'm not a "starry-eyed idealist" or a "steely-eyed realist" but a "steely-eyed idealist" -- I can see the reality of the problems, but I can also see the progress. Here's an appropriate poem, written by the Rev. Frank Halse, a mentor of mine when I was in college. The real and the ideal seem gulfed; Our tensions to suffer for disparity. But if the real is seen as the ideal realized (so far as it's able til now) then to dream the ideal is real and we shan't commit suicide.

Jim:

Thanks for sharing that Tina. A thought provoking thought.

John:

Jim, I think your first stab (oops war metaphor again) at the big question contains some powerful stuff. There have been changes worldwide, and there are changes in this country. We've got a growth of alternative dispute resolution (adr), an awareness of abuse, and parent education attempts. Things I'd like to see more are programs of "restorative justice" (current "private complaint" programs using mediation for this approach, as well as efforts by both the Mormon and Presbyterian churches) and national/international efforts such as the Truth & Reconciliation Commission in S. Africa.

Jim:

Great examples John. Some Ideals (like the poem suggest) to be considered before the "suicide" occurs.

John:

In closing, even if we continue as a world and country to improve, I'm thinking we can still benefit from some system to assist folks at important forks in the road as they chronologically move through life, which brings us back both to Jim's idea, and my idea of some vehicle for education/initiation for adolescents.

Jim:

I like the thought about "Helping folks at the forks." And, yes, we do have to modify our educational system, to include what I mention above.

Tina:

RE: the S. African process. I am in awe of the power and clarity of those people. I don't know what their religion is, but they seem more to have the true spirit of Christ than the Fundies do. Why does this look so different to me than it apparently does to the average person? (answer: education and awareness, I think)

Jim:

That's my view of the answer too, Tina. That's why I suggest the programs of "Education", Hollywood, etc. to provide awareness and direction for action.

Tina:

The Jeffersonian model posited only educated voters -- and was the reason for the public school system.

Tina:

Long ago, being involved in a multi-racial activist church, I became overwhelmed with all these problems, but then figured out that I only need to do my one little thing, and trust that everyone else will do zir thing, and by God's grace, we'll get the work done, and learn a lot in the process.

So, I decided my "job on Earth" (to use Bernie Siegel's phrase) was to "heal the planet, one person at a time." Later, I was "helped" to add writing books, and now the internet, to that.

Jim:

I thought the "one person at a time" was a "Smith-Barney" advertising line. Seriously, I don't know that there is an alternate way for most people. We each have to contribute our personal energy to make the society run.

Tina:

I so much would like to be allowed to publish Gifts from the Self -- which I think would add a lot to healing the planet.

Jim:

Go Tina GO!

I think we have identified some of the things that society is doing now, i.e. what has to be done now, but I'm not sure we would conclude that the action being taken is as humanistic as we can make it, and therefore it may be, in some instances -- as John points out -- doing more bad than good.

Tina:

Well, yes, but humans have never done this before, and I hope we're learning as we go -- trial and error is not very efficient, but it is very effective.

John:

"Learning as we go," as Tina points out, is a key. Funding we all realize is necessary for any plan. I think the in utero/infant learning is an excellent idea and I don't give it much of a shot for some time. Where we have a great opportunity with kids is early childhood daycare. Both parents are working so you've got the kids early! So, looks like daycare and Headstart are likely candidates for enlightened educational concepts. Wow. How 'bout teaching conflict resolution skills? There probably already is enough existent data (daycare records, school records) to do a mega-longitudinal study demonstrating positive outcomes. Damn, what a job that data collection would be, however! But that might be a way to get more funding, at least enough for some further studies.

Tina:

Absolutely, John!! Head Start and daycare are excellent places to go. Have you heard about the new programs using churches to deliver government programs (Catholic Charities is one) ? That might be a way around the funding issue, or at least a way to make it easier. It would be easier to convince enlightened churches that this is a valuable way for them to use their considerable personpower and resources.

John:

Jim, I like your idea of testing. My only concern is the ethical use of the information.

John:

"Help at the forks." I think this is a tremendous idea. Especially with life extension, there are lots more folks around going through lots more forks. Where I perceive a limit here, is that lots of the developmental stuff around ends with nominal childhood (Freud, Erickson, Piaget). Kubler Ross jumped to the end. At least (recently) there've been efforts like Sheehy's Passages and (was it?) Helen Gurly Brown (or?) Gloria Steinham, The Change. I guess what I'm saying here, is that'd be a good idea to identify the forks.

One benefit we have -- with growing population and increased data collection and computer usage -- is that it's easier to identify trends and stages. I don't think that abuse and addiction are significantly great now than in the past. I think we're more aware of them. As more people live longer, complaints received by docs and therapists, end up in journals, end up as new diagnostic categories -- but it is a slowly evolving process.

Tina:

Yes! Our local paper did an issue on the research that shows spanking produces later behavior problems -- and got a stunning, unexpected outpouring of people of all ages, up to the 80's, describing their abusive childhoods, and saying how damaged they were by spanking!!! I have lots of 3rd and 4th generation adults who've had abuse going on in their families as far back as anyone can remember. And, a couple of hundred years ago, it was just a more brutal society. What is serfdom and slavery (and the holocaust) if not abuse on a grand scale?

John:

What do any of us do? I'm so glad we're having this conversation because it is important stuff. We three are in positions where we can not only think and talk, but impact folks directly. Sometimes that's "heal the world, one person at a time," as Tina mentions. Another important piece, IMO, amounts to geometrically increasing one's impact. By that I'm thinking of ways that we can not only reach one person but many. Whenever we do trainings, participate in a forum (Utne), write books (that's you, Tina), we get to reach a number of folks. Hopefully those numbers reach other numbers, and so forth.

Tina:

Yes. As a matter of fact, I'm passing this conversation on to my friend and co-author, Riley, who works in drug treatment counseling as well as private practice. I think he might be interested.

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