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Part I, The Rock The next few moments are unforgettable. However I can't recall them. Neither can she. So much for unforgettable. I guess we hug and the elevator doors open to a bulletproof booth. I feel like a game show contestant. We are buzzed in and are ushered into a back room. The weather is warm. A window is open. Butch introduces himself and we chat. Butch is trying to get a feel for our needs. I can pretty much tell him that our needs include the absolute best we can buy for the amount "X". Butch closes the window, explaining that history has taught him loose diamonds & open windows are a bad mix. TheMean Woman  has kind of thought that a nice wedding
ring would be an emerald flanked by diamonds.
In the smoothest possible technical salesman
terms, Butch explains that that's a stupid
idea.We learn about the different cuts of diamonds. We (she) decides on a brilliant princess cut. It is now time to look at the single thing that will represent our love until death. (probably mine) Butch brings out a diamond that has all the brilliance & sparkle of a piece of gravel. It seems appropriate. I'm about to ask "How much?" Butch and the Meanie laugh at how ugly it is. I give a little embarrassed laugh. Butch explains that this diamond will never be sold because it demonstrates every possible flaw a diamond could have. (I still think it represents us pretty well....) Now he shows us something that is clearly beautiful, nearly flawless and bigger than a doorknob. It is just as clearly out of our price range. This money was originally earmarked for an airplane. This rock is along the lines of a turbo Lancair. (This is the top of the line homebuilt airplane.) Frankly, I had something along the lines of an ultralight... Now in superb salesman style, he gives me a temporary reprieve by showing a diamond the could be held in a single hand. I soon realize that this diamond is along the lines of a late model Cessna 182. Think of the amount of "X times ?". I'm still afraid to ask what "?" stands for. Several diamonds later we work our way down to a diamond that's just barely under the amount of "X". NOW we're talking. Mean Woman falls in love with it. Apparently she
had
been holding out until we just barely got under "X".As we are still working our way down in cost, I ask to see the next one. In fact, I have to beg to see it. The Mean Woman shows absolutely no interest.I'm deeply impressed with the diamond. And the price. The Mean Woman is just as deeply unimpressed.I notice Butch hasn't put the last diamond away with the other doorknobs. He merely placed it aside. He's good. The Mean Woman 's eyes keep straying back to it. The diamond I like seems to be a moving blank spot in her vision. Personally, I was hoping to go with a less expensive diamond so we could get a nice setting. And maybe a little change back on amount "X". The Mean Woman asks to see her diamond. Butch discretely puts my 'value' diamond away. She looks at me as lovingly as is possible for her. She bats her eyelashes and says "We'll only ever do this once." That sounds something akin to logic. So surprised am I that I agree. So much for that. Round 1 goes to the Mean Woman .(The married men among you are saying "Get used to it.") Part II, The Setting Now we look at settings. I just thought that there was a huge ring factory out there and jewelry stores bought rings by the case. Then they just glue diamonds into them. I guess I was wrong. (The married men among you are still saying "Get used to it.") Give me a break, guys. My spirit isn't quite broken yet. Butch brings out some shoeboxes of rings. She wades into them like a man looking through a bag of boobies. She wasn't exactly drooling, but it was close. She casts handfuls of them aside. (Butch was wise in closing the window.) She narrows it down to about a dozen. Soon she begins obsessing over a huge wad of platinum with a little gold plating and even more diamonds. These are called "baguettes." (I think that's French for "Don't look too close.") Platinum? That's one of those impossibly rare metals that we hear about but never actually experience. Kind of like Mithril. I begin to calculate the possible cost of that setting. "X" times .15? "X" times .25? God help us, "X" times .50? I find a setting that looks like it's a classical filigree type. It's light, airy and delicate. It's white gold, so we don't have to worry about it tarnishing. The filigree also cuts down on the amount of gold we'll have to buy. Oh jeez, another floating blind spot. I fight a little harder on this one. In this one, we compromise. We decide on a huge wad of platinum with gold plating with even more diamonds. The only problem is that the gold is a little too bright for the Mean Woman .Could this be a blemish on her perfect setting? Would we need to find a different setting? Nope and nope. Butch says, "Not a problem." He rushes out to buff off some of the gold. I didn't even know that was possible. The Mean Woman has turned her eyelashes on high and is
batting up a storm. I hear her chanting something under her breath. It sounds vaguely like, "You only ever do this once." Butch returns and drops the diamond into the wad of platinum. He hands it to the Mean Woman . It's all over but the shouting.(Oh. And the paying.) You have to envision the setting. There she is, sitting next to a closed window. She has this wad of platinum on her left hand. Her right hand is supporting her left hand. She has to do this. The weight of the doorknob and platinum monstrosity is too much for a single hand to lift. The idea of getting change back on "X" evaporates. Gone like a snowball in Death Valley. The Mean Woman asks about the price. I have avoided doing this. I fantasize that Butch will say, "You're nice folks. I'll throw it in for free." If I ask, the fantasy will be shattered. I wanted to hold that for just a second longer. No luck. Butch mentions the price of the setting. "X"!! For the setting!! "X"s spin around my head. There's a sound track to this whole thing. I hear - "You only ever do this once." "You only ever do this once." "You only ever do this once." The wallet floats in front of me and plastic scoots all by itself across the table top. Now Butch says the only cruel thing of the whole day. "I'm sorry, we don't take American Express." WHAT?!? I'm not going to get any frequent flyer miles for this whole endless experience? "You only ever do this once." "You only ever do this once." "You only ever do this once." A lesser piece of plastic floats across to Butch. "You only ever do this once." "You only ever do this once." "You only ever do this once." Butch hands me a credit card slip. I nearly sign it, "You only ever do this once." "X"s spin round my head. The Mean Woman kisses & hugs me. "You're damn well going to have to do better than THAT," I think. Butch hands me a sales slip and my credit card. I look at it. I expect to see the numbers rubbed flat. I expect to see it tendrils of smoke. It's completely unchanged. I'm not. I'm poorer by two "X"s. Oh. And I'm engaged too. After Action Report I tell the Mean Woman she owes me a beer. We walk next door to
Arnold's, where I know I can get a
Guinness
on tap. A runny yellow beer wouldn't
do for
such an occasion.We take my cell phone and call to tell my diamond counsellor that the deed has been done. My diamond is happy counsellor. (The diamond counsellor is a woman. She's happy. Duh.) It occurs to us that it's traditional to call our mothers. We do this. My mother has been apprised of my plans and is happy for us. Her mother is shocked & flustered. She nearly forgets to put cinnamon in her cinnamon rolls. The cell phone battery is getting low. We say we'll call her back later from home. On the way home, the Mean Woman drives. Her feet haven't been touching the ground for the last half hour. I'm not sure her tires touch the ground either. P.S. "X" times 2. Jeez. |
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