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Why is she mean? Why does the wind blow? Hell, I don't know. It's easier to explain 'how'. How is she mean? Let me count the ways. The cold feet treatment If she's in a particularly affectionate mood, she'll climb into bed with her cold feet. The spooky thing her feet just don't warm up. As an experiment, I stuck a thawed steak in the small of my back. She climbed into bed. My side of the steak was well done by morning. Her side was frozen. Human feet just can't be that cold. That means two things. 1) She's not human. And believe me, I have considered this. Or 2) She uses some artificial means of chilling her feet. I haven't found where she keeps the liquid nitrogen yet, but I will. I swear I will. The jab Something she does pretty commonly is the elbow jab. Sometimes she does this just to say 'Hello.' But trust me, it isn't just a regular elbow jab. Everyone does that. She has this particularly mean jab. I'm not sure if she has titanium elbow implants or what, but I do know she does have some major jabbing calluses. Check for yourself, but don't get too close. Her jabs are like a mule kick. Karate masters break boards. She likes to sit by the fireplace and jab brick. For fun. Just ask to see my remaining ribs sometime she's not around. (And by the way, I'm not overweight. I need the fat for protection!!) A tap on the shoulder The shoulder smack is a cute little jovial thing she does. It has caused serious injuries, though., even when she's NOT drinking. Ask her boss. She once nailed him in the shoulder while they were joking around. He needed rotator cuff surgery and was out of work for three months. (She says it was a pre-existing injury, but I'd have to see the X-rays before I believe her.) Not the ear! If she needs just a little mild coercion, she just pinches your earlobe. It's not just a little pinch either. She hangs on and hangs on. If she want s something particularly badly, she lifts. You end up doing a little tippy toe dance. It's not pretty. Especially in front of your buddies or your boss. The flick A step up from the pinch is the flick. Apply middle finger to thumb and just flick. The scary part is that she has some unbelievable speed on her flick. It's just like a cobra! Normally she just goes for the middle of the forehead. A single flick can raise such a bruise that you look Hindu. Shotgun!! A truly fearsome flick variation is the shotgun. In this, all fingers flick outward at once, usually at the face. If she catches you with one of these, you look like an instant smallpox victim. Etc, Etc, Etc Can she be mean in other ways? Absolutely, but I'm afraid to document them. If she finds out about this web site, there'll be hell to pay. If I document too many of them, it'll just make it worse. |
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