My mother was a pretty woman, or so I remember. I remember going to shops, the swim club and social events with her and parties she and my father threw in the late 50s to mid seventies when they split up.
Memories of Coney Island and the public attention she would garner while we were there, stands out in my mind. Total strangers would come flirt with her. I remember seeing that as a certain powerful command. A mix of beauty, sensuality and keen fashion sense seemed to be a potent combination in many ways: success in career, or dictation of ones relationship with others. I admired that command or at least the feelings of control it must have created.
At a family holiday event when I was somewhere around seven or eight years old; my mother put both my younger brother and me, in a pair of tights that my cousin had; to play while we were all at my grand mothers house. I have no memory of why it happened. Perhaps we requested the opportunity, we may have just seen an action figure show on the black and white telie.
I was way too young for any sexual sensations, but the amazing feeling of this tight fabric from toe to waist was overpowering. It felt empowering. I don’t recall gender implications caused by the tights I was wearing, but the interaction that was played out between my brother, cousin and I; was that of circus performers and super heroes. We played for hours saving the world and I did not want it to end. How could one go back to normal after feeling that powerful state of mind and body? How interesting to look back and see certain patterns…
The exuberance of that event never left me. I don’t recall exactly how long I went before seeking it again.
My mother, being a young fashionable woman in the 50s and 60s always wore the most current, attractive under and outer garments. I remember seeing her in girdles, stockings, pretty bra's and then slipping into a beautiful dress and the most amazing hi heeled shoes. I remember the sounds it made, the aroma of the fabrics that would waft across the room and the sensational looks of each layer of the dressing process. The way the light hit certain fabrics still lingers in my memory. The shoes and some of the fashion of that era still remain at the top of my list. Not once during that time frame did I consider men's wear interesting. Sadly men’s wear still falters.
My father’s mother always had fun sayings that she used. Regarding her bust line, it was called her shelf. She was a very busty woman, even more so than my mother. She had not seen her feet while standing since the age of 16, or spilled food on the table because of her shelf. Another phrase was "waste not want not...". That referred to wasting food at a meal, or to pretty much everything else in life. My grandmother had always worn full fashion stockings and if one would get a runner, she would save it in a collection for a friend who used them as filler in stuffed animals she made.
Well, between the nagging memory of the super hero holiday and my grandmother pressing the "waste not want not" theory into my head; I decided both could easily be solved if I tried on the slightly run, full fashion stockings she was saving, to prove the garment = power equation.
IT WORKED!
The sensation of slipping the ultra light, silky, non stretch, full fashion stockings over my skin; gliding up my legs was amazing! The touch of the stockings once on my legs was like skating on ice smooth as glass. Then, the discovery of crossing my legs with the sensational glide of the stockings was heavenly. I still love to wear full fashion stockings for the slippery sensation when my legs are crossed or rubbing together.
Next came the task of holding the stockings up. I went through a myriad of experiments. I got to try garter belts, girdles and full body shapers. At some point, in one of the news media; I heard that gals were using Elmer’s glue to hold their stockings up on the thigh. I tried that too. It actually worked. It was however, difficult to wash the glue out of the nylon weave at the stocking top. With each step I became more and more overwhelmed with the sensuality of the garments. I had become addicted.
In all the time spent playing with the garments, I had never experienced a sexual moment. I was too young at that time. It had all been about the sensuality of the fabrics and that feeling of being empowered; that super hero feeling.
Just about that time; mid 60s perhaps… as hemlines rose, pantyhose were invented. All the younger fashionable women who were reading about new products and next years lines, clamored to buy this supposed new wonder stretch fabric garment. Guess who got to sample this wonderful invention as soon as it came out? Yep, I added pantyhose to my repertoire of interests. My mother had drawers full of pantyhose in various styles, textures and colors. It was a carnival of temptation and sensuality.
About that time I discovered my mother and I were exactly the same shoe size. It was then I first discovered the sensation of slipping a woman’s shoe on. The popping sound and the silken feel of the foot slipping perfectly into the shoe was sensational! My mother had a magnificent shoe collection. Elegant heels, classic day shoes, knee high and thigh hi boots were at my grasp.
One day I accidentally discovered where my father kept his collection of Playboy magazines. It was an amazing new awakening. To see partially dressed, voluptuous women wearing things like I had been wearing was inspirational. Every page was an idea how to wear these newly discovered garments. The first Playboy I saw was the issue promoting Stanley Kubrick’s film ‘A Clockwork Orange’. The imagery from the movie was mind altering. I searched for ways to see the film and it is still one of my all time faves. I digress however... The discovery of girls had begun.
Through the last few years of catholic grade school and most of an all boy catholic high school I wore hosiery to school, sled riding, play, in the tub and few times I wore ultra sheer panty hose under my shorts while cutting the lawn. I even got my only sibling, a brother two years younger to try my new fashion hobby. My brother was less than attracted to this interest of mine. The first memory of a girl in grade school, the daughter of a dermatologist, wearing fashionable knee hi boots and tights added drive to my leg enthusiasm.
Ah…. The sensation of stretch hosiery in the shower or tub is amazing! Who else out there has enjoyed the look or feeling of wearing hosiery while in warm water? The texture of hosiery, the skin sensations and visuals change completely when wet. Hosiery becomes heavier and clings to the body more. It also seems to double in stretch distance. I remember taking pantyhose that had a normal fit when dry and encasing my entire body up over my shoulders and head if I wanted. All the while swimming and wiggling in the soaked, super stretch nylon cocoon.
Two clear elements were derived from this wet stretch wear experience.
The first discovery was that I enjoyed being covered head to toe in this woven web. All I can imagine is that the sensuality of the fabric that I enjoyed on my legs, needed to spread or be felt over my entire body. Thus began my search for ready-made garments that covered the body in an all-encasing skintight way. We call it body wear today.
The second element was a new discovery of my body. I began to notice physical arousal, that anticipation of or slipping into certain garments would cause. I remember distinctly, lying in the warm tub one evening wiggling in a pair of pantyhose. I was quite multi sensually aroused when an overpoweringly pleasurable pulsing sensation happened between my legs. A white substance I had never seen before was pleasurably coming out of an erection that nothing but pantyhose was touching. I had no inkling what had just happened. I tried and tried to repeat the phenomenon as the weeks past. How could this fabric have caused that sensation to happen and how could I get it to happen over and over again.
My focus in school through those years was in the arts. As I pursued that direction, from time to time my mother discovered where I was keeping my ever-growing hosiery collection and it would disappear. My mother and father never said a thing to me about these discovery / purges.
I heard an electric guitar and bass while I was out in the yard one day around age 14. It sounded like two people jamming outdoors. It actually sounded pretty good; so I followed the sound to see where it was coming from and who was playing. Two guys my age on another street in the neighborhood that I had never met before were indeed jamming. They invited me to hang out. It was captivating watching people play live electric instruments up close.
When they finished jamming I went inside the house as they carried the equipment in. It was Doug the guitar player’s house. Doug was a nice looking boy with black wavy hair that he had been tossing around while playing, working on his rock star moves. There were many different musical instruments all over the house. I remember asking Doug which instruments he played. He said he played all of them. He walked over to an electric organ and started to wail. Then he picked up a trumpet and jammed some more. My jaw about hit the floor.
Doug’s dad was an architect who had designed and built the edgy modern house they lived in. I remember a glow in the dark image of the universe and galaxy on Doug’s bedroom closet ceiling that he had painted. Doug was a very bright and talented kid. He had girlfriends at that age when I had never even been out with a girl.
It was fun hanging out with him; I learned by seeing what others were doing. As the months went on and we became closer friends, I noticed my father becoming increasingly uncivil to Doug. At one point my father told me I could no longer hang out with Doug.
When I asked why; he stated he thought Doug was gay. I had never heard that term before. “What’s that?” I asked deftly and was told that it meant a boy who likes boys. “Dad, he likes GIRLS”, I said. “He’s got tons of girlfriends”… Non-the less, I was banned.
Never did get to the bottom of that one…
I mention my friendship with Doug because it was another turning point in my life. I too started playing guitar after buying a black Silvertone hollow body electric guitar from a pawnshop downtown in 1972. I loved playing that guitar up in my room for hours! I finally got good enough to jam with others. A high school pal of mine and I started jamming then put a band together.
Girls started hanging around while we were playing and I discovered a brand new source of allure. I am sure many of you have played an electric guitar and know what it feels like to “move” the air with the volume of your cranked up amplifier. What a feeling! And now to discover girls loved hanging out and cherished us for what we were doing. Girls seemed to be particularly fond of the guitar players and lead singers.
We finally got good enough to play out and people REALLY enjoyed what we were doing. We began playing blues based rock & roll as seniors in high school in 1974 at college nightclubs and they loved the band.
It was like a changing of the guard. I needed my attention. Playing loud raucous music achieved that for me. Discovering girls and music, replaced the need for the super hero and sensuality that hosiery and fem garments fulfilled. Fem wear disappeared overnight. Well sort of…
I was lucky enough to have played in the “worst band on the planet” and some very good ones as well. One of the bands was quite popular. We put out a 4 song EP that was played on college radio and sold worldwide. It was a mix of power pop, punk and a sprinkling of surf. All the groups I was in from 1978 on were doing 90 – 100% original music. The bands toured regionally and opened for most major acts during the early to mid eighties. What a blast it was playing sold out clubs, to thousands of people each night!
We lived in a town however, that did not offer aesthetically hip fashion for the up and coming, cutting edge male rockers we hoped to be. After exhaustive searches the band decided to look for alternative garment outlets. There was a very inexpensive juniors shop in a strip mall two blocks from my house. I think it was called Fashion Bug. We passed it every time a Radio Shack trip was needed and that was often. Well, that’s where the band started buying wild stage clothes. It was great looking, inexpensive and read well on stage, but it certainly was not a sensual experience.
As one band in particular began to develop popularity, we decided to make our own backdrops. I had been working in the theaters around town as a scenic artist. I would watch the carpenters sew canvas strips to make the scrim for backdrops that I painted for the Opera, Playhouse and various amusement parks. I then bought a sewing machine so we could make our own backdrops.
Those of you that are married or have been married to a spouse that has a different direction or goals will understand this next dilemma.
Imagine being married to 3,4 or even 5 people at the same time, all who are interested in different things, even different objectives regarding the same subject. That’s what playing in a band is like. Beyond the success we had, there was still banging hands carrying equipment, arguments and people doing rather dishonest things. With all the years invested, all the fun had, I was ready to get out.
It was around 1985, that I met my future wife. I was in four bands at the time. Three groups were well established, popular and opening acts for the biggest names in the biz and our music was being played on international radio. I dated my wife on Sunday afternoons. As the bond in my new relationship grew, the effort and interest waned for the relationships in the musical groups.
I was able to spend more time with my future wife, and gradually worked my way out of two of the bands. Our relationship blossomed and after a two-year run we decided to spend a month in Europe.
Destinations included the beaches in southern France. We wanted to look our best and committed to an exercise program. We shopped for cute workout wear for her. For gals, leotards and tights were popular in the mid eighties. But because of our locale and the selection dilemma, we couldn’t find a thing either of us liked.
With a bit of conversation, I suggested going to a fabric store to see if we could find some neat fabrics. We found LOTS of very cool stretch fabric and I made her a deal. If she bought the fabric, I would design and produce her some things to wear. Remember the sewing machine I used to sew the bands backdrops? Yep, I set out to make some cute body wear and it worked! I made some very cute unitards; some folks call them cat suits. I recalled seeing early unitards at department stores as a child.
We worked on toning up for our trip. A young female friend who was an aerobic instructor had heard about the costuming I was doing and was interested in trying the garments on. Well, she did and she told some people and they told people and before we left on the trip we had orders for the garments from the same department stores where I had seen my first unitard.
We took samples on the trip with us because of the momentum at home and came back with orders from the UK, Holland and France. Needless to say we had a fun but busy trip!
Upon return, we all of the sudden had a new business. My future wife was already in another business partnership and I was busy in the arts. Nonetheless we had orders.
I did the entire garment – catalog design, pattern development, photography; all the right brain stuff. She did all the left-brain stuff like billing, books and taxes. We both did the majority of the sewing for worldwide sales. We were always sewing, on the road or working. On occasion we would have university fashion design co-ops come in and help. On a more rare occasion we hired pro sewers to help make quotas.
We grew the business successfully and as I developed new and more complex designs, I found plenty of people I could use to develop the small and medium designs around, but I had no steady source for a large model study.
Did anyone see that one coming? Yes it was stretch wear and I had not even thought about encasing my body until the need for a large pattern model. I was a bit nervous about anyone finding out. After a few goes, I was head over heels again.
For a few years I kept it from everyone, including my now wife. We had one of the best selling lines of body wear on the planet for several years. It was a vicious trade however. People would come buy our best selling garments at trade shows, wear it out of our booth and back to a booth where they had apparently been working. Logos from the garment companies they were working for were held up our garments to see how they read. Our garments were then dismantled, mass-produced in Asia and would appear in our competitor’s lines the following year. There were fads, trends and new competition while others were going out of business.
With all the extreme work, long hours and travel we still had lots of fun doing the body wear. We expanded into swimwear, kids lines, mod-Goth wear and several other avenues. My wife’s other business was growing as well and began to need more of her attention. In the mean time I was having a blast trying on garments I made, while working. Around that time I started taking photographs of myself in the garments. The more photos I took the better they got. I started developing a persona with an entire look but it was very rough looking at the time.
Shoes; a rediscovery… Women’s shoe trends exist to keep market interest, but more importantly a continual and cyclical revolving market. The mid sixties was the last time I saw a classic pump worn on a regular basis. A night at the opera perhaps, a stylish wispy high heel was seen. We had emerged into the age of clunk. With every passing year from the mid sixties a women’s fashion revolt was happening. I would have been more than happy to help carry on traditional hi fashion personally, but you read why that didn’t happen above. Nonetheless I sorely missed the fashion lines from what I considered the height of American woman’s fashion.
Every year that passed the shoes got chunkier. At times designers would ad humor to the junior lines; the Frankenstein platform is a great example. And with every year passed I mourned for the return of the leg.
We got an Internet account for personal and business exchange and with that development; my life changed completely. I discovered other people out there that had interests similar to mine. There were chat rooms, social events, resources, social help and awareness programs. I ran into people on the net that had completely transitioned from one sex to another. There were people who were doing such great work disguising their original sex that one could not tell they had done so. I saw the good, the bad and the scary and everything in between. It was enlightening. I found that I was not alone.
On the Internet I found a sub-sect that had never stopped wearing hi heels. Not only had they not stopped, but this group of fetishists had distorted the classic pump design into a thing of wondrous beauty and mystique. After 30 years of torture viewing clunky women’s shoe fashion, all was redeemed with this discovery.
When I first started looking for shoes I couldn't find anything I liked in my size, price range and ridiculous fetish heel height. Sound familiar? I was shopping in the Midwest, go figure... That is also when I discovered people were wearing an intoxicating looking shiny fabric, latex rubber.
Anyway, I bought decent looking 5" heel shoes and cut off the heel. Then I would drill out the heel base and insert an 8" x 1/4" hex head bolt for the heel. The side of the shoe had to be split, glued and re-sewn to create the proper arch and toe bend...
Whew! Lots of work but these things were works of art!
Searching
the Internet, my locale and everywhere I could, I started to collect shoes
that I could use as pedestals, to build my fem image from the ground up. I
was still in the super hero mind set and working with spandex. My image started
to come together and I felt she looked pretty good compared to the early attempts.
If this image were to exist she needed a name.
The first Name I used was Abby. It was the name of an art professor’s daughter who I shared classes with and had a crush on. I loved that name and it was then I realized I was still doing art. To become closer to my given name I chose the name Emma based on my boy initials. I continue to work on developing an Emma M. Super Heroine comic strip to this day.
Back to the body wear biz… We were sewing so much that we lost vision of the trends. My wife’s business was thriving and traveling had become a burden. We gave up the business, but I did not give up the direction my new image was going.
All I wore the first few years on the net were spandex garments I had created. I don’t think I have ever worn the same garment twice. There must be thousands of dresses, skirts, leggings, tights, stockings, tops, bootlets, leotards and unitards stored for easy access.
I
was very interested in garments that would alter my shape. I made (and still
do) gaffs that not only held the valuables wherever I put them, but performed
as amazing waist cinchers. I also made several attempts at making silicone
breast forms. I sculpted lovely clay breast shapes and made molds. Then I
poured wax in the molds to refine the shapes and make them perfectly smooth.
Another set of molds was then made from the wax. This last set of molds was
used to make the breast forms by coating the interior with liquid latex, filled
with the G.E. silicone gel used in breast forms and sealed with a top layer
of latex. The forms looked great, but after a while the gel would ooze out
of the seams. After a few attempts I bought my first set and discovered the
outer covering was not latex and the seam was sonic welded.
My first photos were taken without makeup and I painted out the background of the image to protect my identity. I used the photos to study what image problems needed to be corrected. So many people doing fabulous things on the net was great motivation. I would fix one problem at a time; poses, expression, lighting, composition, makeup, repetition of form, and the photographs kept getting better. My thinking was ‘just give the camera what it wants’. When I started using makeup I noticed that it was difficult to recognize my boy side and much less correction of the photos was needed. That gave me a tremendous amount of confidence and more time to shoot! If the photo didn’t look like my boy self, I was comfortable to do what ever I wanted. I stopped painting out the backgrounds when we remodeled the house. I discovered the new house, was quite photogenic and made for lovely interesting settings.
I noticed in Internet chat rooms and other venues that people were saying things related to my stretch wear interests that led me to believe they thought I might be into S&M. They seemed to think that fetish wear was all I knew about fashion. Sometimes folks would not speak to me at all. I turned that negative around, because it made me study the issues. I decided I needed to expand my wardrobe. Lordy, I grew up with every major fashion publication after all!
As extra motivation, an event named Southern Comfort
Conference (in Atlanta in September 2001) was coming up. I had planned to
go conduct interviews and film a TG pianist friend who was entertaining at
the event, in hopes of putting documentaries together. This was also to be
my first ever outing in the public forum. So I worked on daywear, evening
/ formal wear, even swimwear (another personal first), everything I might
need to live full time for four days. New photos were taken and gradually
people realized I was not a Dominatrix. When I got to SCC it seemed like I
knew half the people there, most of whom I had met in various chat rooms or
they were folks who were members of my web sites. It was glorious and life
changing, as soon as the nerves were calmed.
Shortly thereafter my pianist friend Vicki was playing a Halloween gig and supposedly many of the local TG folks would be there. Yearning for a chance to get out locally, I decided to tell my wife I wanted to go and go in costume. It was All Hallows Eve (afternoon) when I got the nerve to say I wanted to go and that I wanted to go as my Internet character. She responded, “I didn’t know you had an Internet character?” I showed her some of my photos and she actually LIKED them. We went out for Halloween and had a blast!
Curious people have asked her how she dealt with this new persona. She compares the similarities to the characters I played while on stage performing music.
All of the sudden I felt I was actually taking beautiful artistic photos. I feel lucky if I get more than 3% usable personal photos. I would consider one percent the norm. Publications were now becoming interested in helping me expose the imagery I was creating.
The discovery of rubber wear was captivating to see in photographs. Not only how the high gloss fabric would cling to every nuance on a woman’s figure, but also for the scenarios it often would represent. These scenarios reminded me very much of film noir or dark, evil comic book scenes and always filmed in the most outlandish high heels. Latex garments are a very expensive product and way out of my price range. I decided to find sources for the fabric and use my bodywear patterns as a base for latex garment construction. This has been one of the most difficult projects I have ever taken on. Now I understand the reasons for the pricing structure. My product is still not ready for public consumption, but its close.
Imagine lubing your entire body, the inside and outside
of a rubber cat suit and slipping into that garment. Every move you make the
suit makes a counter move. It wiggles over your entire body like a second
skin, massaging within. The aroma is sweet white chocolate and vanilla, the
outer feel slick wet soft glass and sounds of snapping and crinkling ad an
aural bouquet. It is like wearing an orgasm. As you can imagine, rubber wear
became a focus. 
My wife and I have thrown what we call our January
Party the past three years. It’s an extended weekend event. People have
been coming in from Europe, Canada and all over the States to visit us and
be with each other. Its kind of like a mini SCC. It is also an official social
for a wonderful organization The Southern Belles. This year we introduced
some of our non-TG friends to the mix. I think it went over quite well for
all groups involved. This year we had approximately 40 people for the big
Saturday eve dinner party and 20 or so Thursday – Sunday. We took people
on city architectural tours, to museums, fave restaurants and parks and shot
TONS of photos as usual. I would like to see more of these types of events.
I am still doing art… My perspective is that I am creating four-dimensional
sculpture. I do this by constructing Emma’s image, making her wardrobe,
changing a boy into the prettiest girl I can make. Sculpting her figure literally
transforming body shapes and attitude, movement and persona, a new being is
formed.
Then I photo document her, manipulating those images at times. Getting those images out in the world to show the public who and what we are all about is the icing on the cake.
My focus currently is to get as much artwork done while I can and get it out to the world. I would like to have some gallery showings with life-sized images, develop the Emma M. - Trans-gendered Super Heroine comic book character, offer self-improvement / portraiture services and perhaps publish a series of photo books.
Thank you for letting me briefly share 40 years of my life with you.
XO
E.