DIVORCE: THE INEFFECTIVE SOLUTION                by Roger Gerwe
It's becoming more and more common that I hear about another marriage ending. Even my six-year-old daughter knows first hand the dramatic effect of divorce. Another one of her peer's is experiencing divorce first hand. When we had an argument recently, my daughter wanted to know if we are going to divorce. As a father and family therapist concerned about the well being of those in my community, I wonder how her schoolmate will adjust. Will this child be in my daughter's class next year? Will the child have enough physical and emotional support to pass this school year? Will the child become a pawn in a long drawn out BAD divorce? Will grandparents or other relatives need to take over parenting of the child? As a family therapist I wonder about the cause. Was it sex, drugs or rock and roll? You know R&R was supposed to destroy this generation. Were they right? Was it over-involvement from the extended family or lack of their support? Was it related an addictive behavior, an affair, booze, gambling, too much work or financial irresponsibility? How will society adjust? Will this child become one of many single parent households that live below the poverty line? Does this couple think that divorce is the answer or have they just not looked for other solutions?
Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm against divorce. There are times when divorce is the only reasonable option. Chronic abuse/violence, chronic substance abuse/mental illness, or chronic affairs where the partner has no intention to change are examples. But in many cases it's a poor or ineffective solution. For example, when there are children, divorce does not resolve the verbal abuse or conflict. It just moves it to the phone and concerning or through the children. You see divorce doesn't really resolve the anger. It can actually support its festering into long term resentment.
If divorce is not the answer than what is? One simple word "CHANGE." We have to view the relationship as it really is — a complex, dynamic process that grows, changes and develops over time. They develop and "become" somewhat similarly to the transformation of a butterfly. Think of the troubled marriage in a way similar to a caterpillar trying to become a butterfly. Each requires a safe environment for change — a cocoon for one — this article, a therapist's office, marriage encounter weekend or similar change agent for the other. Once in the safety of the cocoon there's a high probability that the natural metamorphosis will occur and the beauty of the butterfly will emerge. For couples the movement toward natural health and happiness requires thinking and action transformations. The thoughts change from rumination on problems to envisioning the future where the change has occurred and the butterfly flies freely. This requires positive use of imagination to concretely visualize the goal and take small transformative steps toward its successful completion. Healthy and positive actions include acting in a way that fully supports the vision of change and focusing of behaviors exclusively toward the goal. The expression of positive feelings should occur when good feelings are apparent between partners. Avoid expressing negative feelings during times of distress, it doesn't promote positive change. The final action is catching your partner doing something / anything right and commenting sincerely and positively. Just as we are all able to note beauty and elegance in the butterfly, we also need to note it in each other.
If your marriage feels like a slimy caterpillar going nowhere slow. It's time to decide to be a butterfly and start the transformation. Remember, happy and healthy families are more beautiful than butterflies. And it just takes one to transform or change it.