Eightball's Cocktail Corner

Information by Dave Neal. Formatting by Solace

Okay, chummers -- a lot of you Clydes out there are hip-deep in Dullsville, right? So I took pity on you and decided to put a how-to on some of my fave drinks, so you can recreate the magic.

Don't be looking for your Hendrixes, Joplins, or Lizard Kings here, chumps. These are vintage drinks, classic recipes over a hundred years old. You want to hang with the squares, drink yer Scuds, MIAs, or your Molotovs. You want to swing, then read on.

Next time you think it's going to rain, you'll be able to make a little hey-hey and swing with the best of them, namely me.

Eightball

MEASUREMENTS

First off, you gotta get your terminology straight. Forget that metric shit, right? You want kilos, well, then drinks aren't your thing, are they?

pony: 1 ounce
jigger: 1.5 ounces
cocktail glass: 2 to 3.5 ounces
highball glass: 8 ounces
collins glass: 10 or 12 ounces
zombie glass: 12+ ounces
pint: 16 ounces
fifth: 25.6 ounces
quart: 32 ounces

[Ehh, for those of you living in the 21st century, metric conversions are as follows:
pony: 30 ml
jigger: 45 ml
cocktail glass: 60 to 105 ml
highball glass: 240 ml
collins glass: 300 or 360 ml
zombie glass: 360+ ml
pint: 480 ml
fifth: 768 ml
quart: 960 ml]

Mister Metric

[*Thanks*, Professor.]

Ned Ludd

Now, cocktails usually come before a meal, and should be dry, to stimulate your appetite. Sweeter cocktails are okay if you're in the company of Clydes who aren't regular drinkers, with more emphasis on fruit juices and sweetening to soften the hammer of the booze.

You can spot a sophisticated drinker by the liquor-to-sweetening ratio in their cocktails; newbies load up with juice and what-not, whereas seasoned pros go straight-up.

[ScREw all thESe dRiNks, man! Why mess Wit BooZe whEn you can FLy wIth sTronGer FUeL??!]

Dusthead

[Think you just answered your own question.]

Mr. Lizard

[SAVE YOURSELVES BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE, CHILDREN. ALCOHOL IS THE BLOOD OF THE DEVIL HIMSELF! PURIFY YOUR BODY, AND YOUR SOUL WILL FOLLOW.]

Mission Harry

[Pffff...whatever.]

Lady Luck

[*burrrrrrrrrrppp* <<AUDIO FILE 'BURP': 3MP>>]

Sgt. Snocker

Below are some time-tested drink recipes for all you wannabes out there out to have a good time. You ought to have a fully-stocked wet bar, and a variety of glasses. Go for the ones with stems, cuz they let the drinks stay ice-cold longer. Don't make drinks in advance of company; that's way square. Rather, mix'em up when the folks are actually there. Have everything ready, though, so you don't look like a chump prepping everything!

STINGER

2 parts Brandy
1 part White or Green Creme de Menthe

Use a short straw with this one.

[Heard this one's popular in Bugtown.]

Chuckles

[Ar ar ar.]

Pesto

ALEXANDER

3 parts Gin
1 part Creme de Cacao
1 part Sweet Cream

[You can substitute Brandy for the Gin and get a BRANDY ALEXANDER.]

Mr. Lizard

[Whoopee doo, Clyde! This is a drink for amateurs, I swear. Good if you've got a sweet tooth, but not for much else! Fuck Eightball!]

Q-Ball

[Been there, done that!]

Sindy

[Me, too!]

Bunny

[How come you never call, Eight?]

Lana

[Yeah, Eight I @412d3 2 jda
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MANHATTAN

3 parts Rye Whiskey
1 part Italian (sweet) Vermouth
1 dash Bitters per drink

Serve with a maraschino cherry, either with stem or on toothpick.

[My personal favorite.]

Dino

[I ordered 83 of these once, just to piss off some corp twerps -- didn't drink a one; but left the fraggers one heavy tab.]

The Chairman

[You did it your way...]

Sammy D'Jour

ROB ROY

3 parts Scotch
1 part Italian (sweet) Vermouth
1 dash Drambuie to each drink

VESPER

(aka, James Bond's Martini, for you Clydes out there)

3 ounces Gin
1 ounce Vodka
.5 ounces Blond Kina Linnet (French Vermouth)
1 large thin slice Lemon Peel

Pour liquid into shaker with ice. Shake (DO NOT STIR!!) and strain into crystal martini glass and add lemon peel.

[I always have my vodka martinis stirred, thank you very much.]

SMERSH

[Figures.]

Modesty Blaise

[Hey, you affiliated with SMERF, by any chance?]

Gumshoe

MILLIONAIRE

1 part Jamaica Rum
1 part Apricot Brandy
1 part Sloe Gin
1 Lime (juice ONLY!)
1 Dash Grenadine

[Speaking of millionaires, Eight; are you game?]

Velocity Grrrl

[Heyyyyyy, baby -- I'm game for anything you're playing...]

Swanky Sammy

[Mercer Island, baby; two weeks.]

Eightball

[I put you down in my books, Eight. Don't be late.]

Velocity Grrrl

[Oh, I'll be there, baby.]

Eightball

[Well well well, the Magic Man his bad self; how 'bout it, bitch? You wanna go? I'll show you who's got the yarbles around here! Eightball, corner pocket <<AUDIO FILE 'BILLIARD SOUND': 4 MP>>]

Q-Ball

[Your funeral, Q-Tip. I'll send you and your sorry excuse for a car back to Indy 500 giftwrapped and autographed. You want to play with the A Team, though, you gotta cough up 500 K, you shiv?]

Eightball

[I'm in, bitch. Slot me if I'll miss out on this one.]

Q-Ball

[Damn riggers -- looks like a hormonal imbalance from here ...]

Solace

PINK LADY

This is a drink for the ladies; no self-respecting bruiser's gonna saunter up to a swank bar and order a "pink lady" and not expect trouble.

4 parts Gin
2 parts Apple Brandy
2 parts Lemon or Lime Juice
1 part Grenadine
1 Egg White for each 2 drinks

Thoroughly shake the non-alcoholic ingredients first. Then add half the liquors, and shake. Then add the balance and shake once more.

[Egg whites in cocktails? Oh, yarf!]

Prudence

BLUE BLAZER

Use two metal mugs for this one that's sure to impress the babies...

Mug 1: 2 jiggers Whiskey
Mug 2: 2 jiggers Boiling Water

Light the Whiskey and while blazing, mix the two by pouring from one mug to the other five or six times. Sweeten with sugar and serve with a twist of lemon peel.

[Careful with this one, chummers -- pal o' mine, Scorn, singed off his eyebrows making this one. He said, 'hey everybody, check THIS out!' and next thing we knew, he slips, spills the crap on himself, his face is on fire and he's screaming for somebody to put it out. Doc Fingers says the scars'll heal up pretty well, but he's no beauty queen these days.]

Solace

[Oh, I just told him that so he wouldn't feel so bad.]

Doc Fingers

[With "pals" like that, who needs enemas?]

Spanky

CHAMPAGNE COCKTAIL

Another one for the ladies, sort of a way to ease them into the evening...

Take a champagne glass and soak a piece of lump sugar in it (the real stuff, chummers, not that SynthetoSweet tripe), or a teaspoon of granulated, with a few dashes of Bitters. Fill with chilled champagne and drop in a twist of lemon peel, OR float some heavy rum on top of the drink.

[How does "heavy" rum float?]

Rube

[Christ, you're thick.]

MARTINI

5 parts Gin
1 part French (dry) Vermouth

Serve with a small cocktail olive, or twist lemon peel over the drink. This is the most popular of cocktails -- if you want to go to bat with the pros, then change your ratios from 5 to 1 to 8 to 1, or even 20 to 1, if you've got a drool cup handy.

[Drool cup is frickin right; trolls and orks are fond of those 20-to-1 martinis, kiddies. If you're a norm, don't even try to match them on that one, unless you've got a spare liver on ice somewhere.]

Bingo

[Speaking from experience, Bing?]

Solace

[I got a spare BODY on layaway, chummer!]

Bingo

Incidentally, if you replace the olive with a pickled cocktail onion, then you have GIBSON, instead of a martini.

[What a difference a garnish makes.]

Mr. Lizard

[Is that drink named after Mel Gibson?]

Rube

[Who?]

Mr. Lizard

RUM SWIZZLE

.5 Lime (Juice only)
1 teaspoon Sugar
2.5 ounces Light Rum
4 dashes Bitters

Mix in a glass pitcher with plenty of finely cracked ice. Stir vigorously until the mixture foams; serve in double old-fashioned glass.

[What's a "swizzle"? I didn't see that in the measurements.]

Rube

SINGAPORE SLING

1 jigger Sloe Gin
.5 jigger Dry Gin
.5 jigger Apricot Brandy
.5 jigger Cherry Brandy
.5 Lime (juice only)
1 teaspoon Sugar

Shake well with cracked ice and pour unstrained into 12 ounce glass. Fill with Seltzer, decorate with Cherry, a slice of Orange and a piece of red-colored Pineapple.

[Heh; I always thought that was a dress, not a drink.]

Champ

[Oh, I've got a few slings in my closet, for sure. It's nice to have a drink to go with them.]

Lady Luck

BLUE HAWAII

1 ounce Dark Rum
1 ounce Light Rum
.5 ounce Blue Curacao
Pineapple Juice

Pour both jiggers of rum and Curacao over cubed ice in a tall glass. Finish filling the glass with Pineapple Juice. Stir until uniformly blue. Garnish with a slice of Pineapple, Maraschino Cherry, and a tropical umbrella holding 'em all together.

[Sissy drink.]

IC Qube

[Au contraire; the blue is an attention grabber.]

Karmaleon

[Whatever it takes.]

S.C.U.M.

ZOMBIE

This one's the King, babies -- the largest, most extravagant, most powerful drink out there. Proceed with caution, shiv? Many's a time I've been keeled over in the can after having a few too many of these.

Also, if you hit a bar, and ask the fraggers for one of these, and they don't know what you're talking about, then just spin on yer heel and get the hell out of Dullsville, babies! Any bar worth a cocktail napkin'll know what a Zombie is, shiv?

1 ounce Lime Juice
.75 ounce unsweetened Pineapple Juice
.75 ounce Papaya Juice
1 teaspoon Sugar Syrup
1 ounce Jamaica Rum
2 ounces Gold Label Rum
1 ounce White Label Rum
2 teaspoons Apricot Brandy

Shake well with plenty of cracked ice and pour unstrained into a big zombie glass. Float a splash of extra-high-proof rum on top. Spike on a toothpick the following (in this order):

1 Green Cherry
.5 inch Pineapple Stick
1 Red Cherry

Decorate drink with this and a sprig of Mint. Sprinkle powdered sugar over all and serve.

[Yummy! The Zombie is my favorite drink. I like when they serve it in a tiki cup.]

Lady Luck

[A what?]

Rube

[You know, like a tropical theme.]

Lady Luck

[Feeling lucky tonight, sweet thing?]

Mr. Lizard

[That depends...]

Lady Luck

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