Bingo and Solace: A Night Out on the Town

Story by Dave Neal. Compilation and introductory information by Solace

The Characters:

Solace: A heavily-augmented former UCAS special ops soldier with a price out on his head. He's strong willed, but easily angered by stupidity.

Bingo The Cyberclown: Also a heavily-augmented former soldier. His skin is bleached and he has green hair. His appearance and manner can best be described as "freakish."

BINGO and SOLACE IN A BAR. Both are perched on stools, guzzling drinks and laughing.

BINGO: (waves cigar around drunkenly): ...so there I am, stuck with this fuckin' hovercraft in my garage. I mean, what the fuck am I gonna do with that? I don't even know how to drive the fucker...

SOLACE: That would cause problems...(rummages through pockets)...I might have a hovercraft KnowSoft in here somewhere...

BINGO: Yeah, but what'd I do with it, stick it up my nose? There's no room left in this ole body for anything else. (gestures enthusiastically). Check this one out, sport...(points left index finger into an empty mug) You're gonna love this, I tellya.

SOLACE: (finds the beer nut bowl empty, bangs it twice for emphasis; the BARTENDER zips over)

BARTENDER: Sorry, Mr.Solace..y-your nuts'll be right along...

BINGO: (liquid shoots from finger into cup, quickly filling) AHHHHHHHHHhhhh---

SOLACE: You've got a finger that pours beer?

BINGO: Hell, no, sport. I got my dick rewired. Now I piss out of this finger. (Grins wildly). Isn't that the shit?! (Tosses mug across the bar) This Bud's for you, chumps!

[SMASH]

SOLACE: That is practical. How much did it cost?

BINGO: It was a steal! (Slams mug on bar). HEY, FUCKER! MORE BEER!!

SOLACE: (wincing) Could you please get us some more beverage, Harry?

BINGO: Man, Sol, you ain't the same when you got that etiquette shit in your head. Jeeezus, have I got DT's or did I just hear the word "please" come outta your mouth?

SOLACE: I thought it'd be useful. It's really come in handy now and then.

BINGO: I got all the etiquette tools I need right here...(pulls Uzi III from coat)

[CLICK-chak]

Hey, you know what time it is, fuckers???

[silence from the PATRONS. SOLACE pops some beer nuts into his mouth and chews thoughtfully]

It's happy hour!!

PATRON 1: Hey, old man, why don't you pipe down?

PATRON 2: Yeah, this is, like, a communal bar, you know. And you're not supposed to smoke in here...

BINGO: (genuinely shocked) No smoking? That can't be right...

(SOLACE gestures to a grungy "No Smoking" sign over the door)

BINGO: (abashed) Well, fuck. (puts out cigar) Jeez, is this one of those tofu n shit bars, Sol? You a sprout man now?

SOLACE: No...I just thought we'd try something different for a change.

PUNK 1: Why don't you two fruits get a room or something?

(BINGO and SOLACE exchange stunned glances)

BINGO: So tell me about that etiquette soft again, Sol?

(SOLACE pops out the soft, putting it in a brass case)

SOLACE: What did you just say, chummer? I didn't hear it so well...

PUNK 1: I said, 'why don't you two fruits get a room?' (draws a Streetline Special)

PUNK 2: Yeah, you old fucks is givin' me a headache. (Snaps out a dandy-looking stiletto, waving it at SOLACE and BINGO)

BINGO: Any preferences? (he gestures at the two punks)

SOLACE: I'll take Mr. Fruit Salad over there.

BINGO: Confirmed. Your [BRAP] momma [BRAPAAP] should teach you [BRAAP] some manners [BRRAAAAP] sunshine!

PUNK 2: Fa....* (what's left hits the floor)

PUNK 1: [pop pop pop] (fires off several rounds at SOLACE, who apparently takes them with no ill effects)

(SOLACE grabs PUNK 1 and spins him around once, hitting him several times in vital areas. The PUNK sags to the ground.)

BINGO: Shit, you are mellowing out...

SOLACE: I wasn't finished. (SOLACE pulls an Ares Predator from his jacket). I always wanted to be an orthodontist...(puts barrel of gun in PUNK's mouth) Any last requests?

PUNK 1: mmbgglff...MGGGLBBBLFFTTFF!!

SOLACE: What'd he say?

BINGO: I think he said, 'fuck off, Colonel Sanders.'

PUNK 1: BLBBGGGFFFTHG! BLBLGIGHITHFF!!!!!! (PUNK's voice goes up several octaves as hysteria sets in)

SOLACE: I thought that's what he said...

PUNK 1: GFLBLBITFFFTHTHTLE!!! [sssssssssssss] (PUNK wets himself)

[BOOM]--[SPLORFT!] (PUNK explodes)

BINGO: Hey, Harry, you got any Handy Wipes? Sol made a mess again....

BINGO and SOLACE, walking down the street, past the burning wreckage of the Lone Star cop car

BINGO: ...I mean, of course I toss Uzi ammo around like business cards...they ARE my business cards. Sheesh (lights up a fresh cigar)

SOLACE: You just can't be too careful...never know when you'll need that ammo--

BINGO: (interrupts) --Where do you buy your shit, Sol...Salvation Army?

WOMAN PATRON runs out of bar, gesturing wildly at BINGO and SOLACE

WOMAN PATRON: Murderers! Murderers!

BINGO and SOLACE: (simultaneously) Where? Where?

WOMAN: You killed those two boys. You murdered them!!

BINGO: Au contraire, lady...I did not murder anyone. In fact, I can honestly say I wasn't PLANNING on killing anyone when I went in the place. (blows smoke in the woman's face) These things happen.

SOLACE: --and the Lone Star guy signed release papers, I'm sure. He knew the risks.

WOMAN: (shrieking) MURDERERS!! MURDERERS!!!

BINGO and SOLACE exchange glances, shrugging

BINGO: Must have been bridge night or something...

SOLACE: Let's hit that bar across the way...

BINGO glances over where SOLACE is pointing

BINGO: Awww, shit. Avalon??? That's an ELVEN bar, man.

SOLACE: (grinning) I know. (deftly produces his brass softcase, conjuring a SchmoozSoft, which he slots with practiced ease) I think there's some snatch awaiting us in there.

BINGO: Shit, man...

They walk across the street, stopped by a formidible-looking troll bouncer.

TROLL: Waddayou chumps lookin' at? Dis is an elven bar...

SOLACE: No shit, toodles. We're going in. Isn't elves ONLY...

TROLL: Youse boys carryin' too much heat for Avalon, man. S'a cool place in dere, don't want you making it too toasty...you shiv?

BINGO: We shiv, shorty, but we ain't going in without our pieces....

TROLL: House rules, clown. No guns, no gear...

SOLACE: What's the exception fee, crabgrass? I don't have all night, you know...

TROLL: No 'ception. Youse wanna do the two-step with Mr. Knuckles?

BINGO: (producing a badge) Hey, lumpy, shiv THIS!!

TROLL glances at badge, then at BINGO, his demeanor now uncertain...

TROLL: (to SOLACE) Youse wit him?

SOLACE: What do you fucking think...[CHIK-CHAK]

TROLL: By all means, go on in...

BINGO and SOLACE enter, SOLACE scratching his head in puzzlement.

SOLACE: Okay, Bing, how'd you do THAT?

BINGO: Cinch, sport...I did a couple of runs for the Socialist Metahuman Ecumenical Resistance Front few months back...(shows SOLACE card)

SOLACE: (reading card) No shit? They took you?

BINGO: Contract deal, one year...wetwork mostly...you know, Humanis n shit. That card works like a charm, my man.

SOLACE: (returning card) Never pegged you as political...

BINGO: I'm not. Pay was damned good, though. You shiv?

They walk to the bar. The patrons hush up as the two humans stroll past them. In moments the whole bar is silent.

BINGO: Dontcha just hate when that happens?

SOLACE: (shouts) WHAT ARE YOU JACKRABBITS LOOKIN' AT?

The patrons hastily look away.

The BARTENDER is a lanky, older elven male.

BINGO: Beer, Raphael. Lots of it....

RAPHAEL: (sarcastic, thin-lipped smile) Mr. Bingo, you know we don't serve that...beverage here....

SOLACE: You've got to be shittin' me. No fuckin' beer? I'm beginning to get pissed....

RAPHAEL: How about a couple of nice, frosty mugs of ZIMA, lads?

BINGO: (slapping forehead) Oh, shit, Raph. You shouldn'ta said that...

SOLACE: Z....Z.....Z-Zima?? (SOLACE begins reaching for his Ares Predator)

BINGO: S'allright, Sol...Raph was just having a bit of fun with you...weren't you, Raph??

SOLACE: ZIMA? ZIMA???!! ZIMMMMMMAAAAA??!!!

RAPHAEL: I think not. It's a perfectly respectable beverage. No elf would dare be seen hefting a "Bud."

SOLACE: Clear malt???! FUCKIN' CLEAR MALT????!!!! AUGGGGHHHHH!!!

[BOOM BOOM BOOM]

Glasses shatter as SOLACE blows holes in the bar.

[BOOM BOOM BOOM]

Elven patrons start screaming, running and spilling their clear malt beverages

[BOOM BOOM BOOM]

BINGO throws himself behind a booth, onto the lap of a succulent elven debutante

[BOOM--CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK]

BINGO: Sorry, honey. I was just shielding you from any shrapnel.

ELF: You pervert! [SLAP!]

BINGO: You hardly know me! (tosses a business card at her as he flees) Gotta run, though...

SOLACE: (reloading) F...f-fuckers...No one serves ME goddamn ZIMA. No one...fuckers...I drink PABST....BLUE...RIBBON!!!

BINGO: Whoa, whoa whoa, Sol. C'mon, man, let's go. He didn't mean it. Let's get outta here. My car is out front. C'mon......

SOLACE, still in his own world, lets BINGO lead him out to the street, past the TROLL, who is glaring at them

BINGO: Flashbacks, man...ain't they a bitch??

BINGO and SOLACE reach BINGO's vintage car. BINGO works quickly, popping open the gas tank and the trunk of the car....SOLACE takes potshots at passerby...

[BOOM]

SOLACE: Ha ha, fuckers! Got your attention, didn't I? How 'bout this?!

[BOOM BOOM] <CRASH>

BINGO yanks a siphon from the trunk and then jams it in the gas tank. He puts it to his mouth and inhales...

[BOOM BOOM BOOM] <SCREEEEEEECH---CRUNCH!!>

A Lone Star patrol car, its engine block blown, smashes into some parked cars.

BINGO: Sol, drink up, buddy. I'll handle the porkchops...

SOLACE: (snapping out of his reverie) Huh? You want me to drink gasoline???

[BLAM]

LONESTAR1: Dead or alive, you're coming with me....

BINGO: (aside) Why do they always say that?? (to SOLACE) No, sport...my cars run on alcohol. On booze, if you want to be picky. Now drink up, Godammit!!

LONESTAR1: It's all over...drop your---

BINGO: Drop this, shitface!!

[BRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPP]

SOLACE: <glug glug glug glug> aahhhhhhhhhh....

LONESTAR2 crawls out of the car, firing as he goes...

[BLAM BLAM BLAM]

SOLACE: I FEEL BETTER!!!!! (SOLACE whirls, leveling his piece at the rentacop)

[BOOM---SPLORFT!]

BINGO: Jeeeezus...you and those head shots...You all better now?

SOLACE: <burp>

BINGO and SOLACE are racing through Seattle's streets, pursued by several Lone Star patrol cars. BINGO's racer roars as he kicks in the blower.

[ssssssvVRROOOOOMMMMMMM!!!]

BINGO: What's the story on the electric death wagons, Sol?

SOLACE: (glancing behind him) Still trying, bless'em. That's some damn fine fuel this bitch runs on, y'know?

BINGO: Fuck yeah, none of that battery bullshit, sport! I brew the shit myself...

SOLACE: <belch>

They merge onto a fairly crowded expressway. BINGO honks his horn and curses as he weaves amidst the traffic

BINGO: Awww, come on, goddammit! Hey, Grandma, wat'cha think this is, a parade?!

[HONK HONK---SCRREEEAACCHCCHHH]

SOLACE: Nice handling.

BINGO: Hey, you wanna---[HONKHONNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKK] YEAH? BLOW THIS OUT YOUR ASS---

[SSSSHHHHOOOMM---KABOOOM!]

HA! Yeah, what'cha gonna do now, eh, fuckwad??

SOLACE: Damn good shot...popped his ass right off the overpass.

BINGO: Thanks, Sol. Hey you wanna do me a favor?

[HONK---SCREEACHHH---SCRAPE]

SOLACE: Sure (guzzles some more of the high-octane car fuel).

BINGO: Why'ncha pop a few caps into the cops for me? I'm going to merge and I don't want'em blocking me off...

SOLACE: (hefting his assault rifle) Sure, Bing, no fuckin' prob (leans out of the window of the car, drunkenly aiming his piece at the first LoneStar cop car)

[chik-shik]

[poom] (minigrenade rockets towards the Lone Star patrol car)

The Lone Star wagon tries to evade, to no effect,

[BABOOOOOOMM---CRUNCHSMASHSCRAPERATTLEBOOOOOMM]

as it's struck dead-on by the grenade and then rolls end over end

BINGO: Beautiful shot, sport! You cleared me a whole lane. (Bingo gleefully zings his car into the lane he was after, shooting into a tunnel)

[blam blam blam]

SOLACE: Persistent lil' fux, aren't they, Bing??

[chik-shik]

[poom]

The grenade bounces off the windshield and detonates.

[pingBOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM]

The echo rings in the street sams' ears. The LoneStar battlewagon begins bouncing off either side of the tunnel

[SCREEEAACCCHHHH VRRROOOMMMM SCREAACCCHHHH]

SOLACE: (guzzles some more car brew) <glug glug> Shheeeitt! I LOVE TUNNEL HOCKEY! Eightball, corner pocket...

BINGO: Huh?

[chik-shik]

[poom]

The Lone Star car explodes, filling the tunnel with debris

SOLACE: <glug glug glug> zzey still af'er us, Bingo...

BINGO: Jesus fuck, Sol, save a little of that for the goddam car!

<buddabuddabuddabuddaBUDDABUDDABUDDA---SPAK SPAK SPAK SPAK>

Bullets dance along the roadway, grazing the BINGOMOBILE, making angry welts along the smooth metal hull.

BINGO: FUCKERS! NO ONE FUCKS WITH MY CAR!!!!!!! (Leans out of driver side window, aiming Uzi upward) Solace, take the wheel for a second.

SOLACE: No f'ckn problem, my man...(SOLACE grabs wheel, inadvertantly performing evasive maneuvers)

<VROOOOOOOOOOM---SCREECH--CLUNK---VRROOOOOOOOOOM---SCRRREEEEECCH---CLUNKBUMP ---VROOOOOOOOOO>

<BUDDABUDDABUDDABUDDA>

BINGO: LEAVE MY CAR OUTTA THIS, FUCKERS!

<BRRRAAAAA--- *CLICK*>

BINGO: GODDAMMIT!

SOLACE: Whazzup?

BINGO: Outta fucking ammo!

SOLACE: (shaking a finger at BINGO) You see? You see? I told you. What'd I say? Conserve yer ammo....

<SCRREEEEEACCCHHHHH---CLUNK>

You gotta always conserve yer fuckin' ammoooo....

BINGO: (tossing Uzi in back seat) Outta ammo, sport. NOT outta guns. (produces Browning Hi-Power with smartlink).

[KAPOW KAPOW KAPOW]

The chopper veers off suddenly, its pilot and copilot slumped over the controls.

BINGO slides back into car

BINGO: It's taken care of, Sol. I got the wheel.

SOLACE: Roger that, one zero niner...

BINGO: Sol?

SOLACE: Confirmed, captain (makes radio static buzz). Moving in on a one zero niner...

BINGO: Hey, man, this ain't Danang...hello??? Sol? Earth to Sol....

SOLACE: Copy that, captain. (BZZZZZ) I'll grease'em at point oh four six. Copy? (BZZZZ)

BINGO: Jeezuz. I didn't know my shit was THAT good....

[KAAAAA----BOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM] (really loud explosion as the LoneStar chopper crashes)

SOLACE: FIRE N THE HOLE! FIRE N THE HOOOOOOOOOOOLLEE! (SOLACE jumps into the back seat, making machine gun noises) brakabrakabrakabrakadow. (BZZZZZZZ) Can't...(BZZZZZZ) make it (BZZZZZZZZ)....napalm.....

BINGO: Christamighty...(takes on an official tone of voice) Corporal...uhhhh...Solace...(BZZZZZ) come in Corporal Solace, this is Sergeant Bingo, uhhhh, on uhhhhh...Hamburger Helper Hill...

SOLACE: (BZZZZZZ) can't hear you, Sergeant. It's hot down here. Fuckin' hot, man. (fires Predator through side window several times)

[BOOM <KRESH> BOOM <KRESH>]

BINGO: (BZZZZZZ) Copy that, Corporal. We're (BZZZZZ) gonna get you outta there, you just (BZZZZZ) stay put....

SOLACE: AAUGGGGGGHHHHHH....goddamit. They nailed me. Fuckers nailed me! AAUGGHHHHHHHHH!!! (grits teeth)

BINGO: (aside) Told you flashbacks were a bitch, didn't I? (to SOLACE) (BZZZZZZ) hold on, Corporal, We're coming for you, we're---

SOLACE: AUGGGGGGHHHH---I...did it for....Johnny!!!

[BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM]

SOLACE shoots holes through the roof of the BINGOMOBILE

BINGO swerves in shock at the damage done to his fine wheels

BINGO: Jeeezus Christ! Uhhhh, I mean, Corporal, do you see...uhhh....the light?? (BZZZZZZZSQUAWK)

SOLACE: (SQUAWKBZZZZZ) (looking up at the holes in the roof) I see it, Sergeant. I see it! Copy that. I see the light!

[BOOM BOOM BOOM]

Bigger holes in the roof

BINGO: (rubbing forehead in dismay) 50,000 nuyen down the tubes...shit.

SOLACE punches through the roof of the car, crawls out up to his torso.

SOLACE: YEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWWWWWW! I made it! You hear me, Sergeant? (SQUAWKBZZZZ) I'm outta the tunnel and in the light!

[BOOM BOOM BOOM]

BINGO: (over intercom) (BZZZZ) Hold your position, Corporal. Wait there for dustup...(SQUAWWWK)

SOLACE sees oncoming traffic, snatches his assault rifle. BINGO, sensing trouble, tries to steer away from the cars and trucks.

SOLACE: Bandits, twelve o'clock---no, eleven o'clock---no, ten o'clock....CHRIST, there must be dozens of them! They're all around us, man!!! I'll go to full auto! Bandits, cap'n break right!

BINGO: (SQUAWKK) Do not engage, ensign. Disengage!!!

<honkahonk---

SOLACE: Can't do that, sir...(takes aim) Respectfully refuse that order....

[BRAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAOW]

<chik-shik>

[poom]

[BOOOM]---screeeeaccchhhhhhhhCRASH>

<CRASH>

<CRASH>

<CRASH>

<screeeeeeecchhhhCRASH>

<hoooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk>

SOLACE: HAHA! Sector cleared, sir!

BINGO: (into radio) This is car 54, we got ourselves a serious problem on Highway 109..looks like a five car pileup....

[BRAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAAKOW]

<screeeeeecchhhhhhCRASH!>

...make that a six-car pileup....

SOLACE: Sector secured, sir! Let's go home!

BINGO: (into intercom) (SQUAWWWWKKK) Copy that, soldier....uhhh...damn fine work there, son....damn....fine....

The BINGOMOBILE rattles off into the distance